How (Not) To Be A Man: A Quick Guide

How to be a man:

Step #1: Be born with an X and Y chromosome.

Step #2: Ignore everything on internet lists of “how to be a man” besides what’s in step #1.

The reason step #2 exists is because if you wind up following the advice of many internet manliness lists, you will remain as you were before you read the list (male or female, respectively), except you might gain a new attribute: being a douchebag.

A few weeks ago, Ruckus Apparel posted this list of 75 “real tips” on being a man. The list is mostly just content stolen from Goldman Sachs’ Elevator Guide to Being a Man, which is intentionally bro-y, but at least entertaining and not too full of itself. However, the Ruckus list takes itself quite seriously, which is a shame, since it’s a joke; it’s chock full of tips that contradict one another, and so dripping with the authors’ barely concealed misogyny and homophobia that you’ll want to shower afterwards.

Most of the tips are obvious and have more to do with being a functioning adult than with being a man; for example “know how to swim” or “clean up your facebook profile.” Here are my favorite entries. I altered the order to highlight how stupid some of these are when read back to back.

Well-kept Converse are a very suitable replacement for dress shoes when styled correctly. Understand when it’s appropriate.

This is never appropriate. In 9th grade this look gets a pass, but thats it. Even at that age you still wind up looking like a child afraid to commit to a big-boy outfit.

Never date an ex of your friend. And, If you have a friend that dates your ex – he was never really your friend.

Huh? So being a man isn’t about being mature enough to move on and hope your friend is happy? Also, this entry starts to show the authors’ weird attitudes regarding women. Girls are ornaments, things valuable only aesthetically. The authors are basically saying, “You wouldn’t like it if your bro was playing with your old toy, would you!?” Well . . . not if I was 7 I wouldn’t – but isn’t this list supposed to be about how to be a man?

When in doubt, ALWAYS kiss the girl.

Nothing says MAN like sexual harassment lawsuits. Also, can gay men be men under this list? Or are these oracles of manhood only speaking to straight men?

Clean your car before you go on a date! If you cant take care of your car, how can you be expected to take care of a girl.

Spend the extra money on sunglasses, watches, and ties.  Superficial? Yes, but so are the women judging you. And it tells these women you appreciate nice things and are responsible enough not to lose them.

You are not your fucking khakis. Where you work and what you wear have very little to do with “who you are”.

Drinking fancy beer doesn’t make you cool – but drinking good whiskey does.

But if I throw away all my expensive packaging, how will these superficial women know I can take care of them? Also, why do I want to take care of such boring sounding women in the first place?

You are not your khakis, but you are apparently your sunglasses, watch, and tie and whiskey. Got it.

Never take selfies – Aspire to experience photo-worthy moments in the company of beautiful women.

Important in woman for photo worthy moment: being beautiful. Not pictured: having a genuinely good time, spending time with interesting and/or intelligent people. How does this dude feel about guys taking photos with car show models? Does that count?

All the money in the world doesn’t compare to having a beautiful girl on your arm. Focus more on her and less on money.

I assume they mean focus on her looks, since ladies still haven’t appeared in this list as anything besides an accessory.

Pretty women who are unaccompanied want you to talk to them.

Oh, I’m sure.

If you believe in evolution, you should know something about how it works. Actually, if you believe in ANYTHING, you should know how it works.

Hey, this is actually good advice! I am also going to assume the author doesn’t actually know how evolution works.

Ignore the boos when they come from someone in a lower tax bracket. Pay attention to them when coming from someone in a higher tax bracket.

This is awful advice. The lead singer from Nickleback made $9.7 million dollars last year. Do not listen to someone just because they are rich. Also, weren’t we supposed to focus less on money?

Go to church.

Make your own decisions.

HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Also, I assume you mean, “make your own decisions” except when it comes to how to be a man.

Always make sure your daughter knows how beautiful she is.

Ignore making her feel like her worth lies only in her looks and not in her intelligence, creativity, or humanity. Between this dude as a dad and re-runs of the Jersey Shore, this little girl is screwed.

Read at least a book a month. Avoid the self-help section. That section is for women.

Yeah. Ok.

Always treat the woman you are with like she is the most beautiful girl in the room.

Make sure she knows you aspire to photo worthy moments with her – also, warn her you are a real piece of shit.

Learn to act like the most confident man in the room, while understanding you are no better than anyone else.

Unless you’re using one arm to drink fancy whiskey, and the other to frame some arm candy, while wearing a nice tie, watch, sunglasses combo, paired with fresh chuck’s and a suit – in that case the world can blow you. 

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